I am...a New Yorker

[Previous entry: "Unemployed"]

Wednesday, April 17, 2002
Tryng Somethng New

Myself n the funhouse mirror at The Telephone bar on Second Avenue, but it was too dark, so the photo didn't come out.

Shepard's pie.

Not much of anythng -- it's hot and I don't have to leave my room most days.

Dreams deferred.

Not beng chewed out by disgruntled coworkers who can't reach other offices and take it out on me nstead -- for one week and countng.

The Osbournes, after hearng my mom rave about it for weeks. It's basically the best "Just Say No" commercial the Partnership for a Drug-Free America never had to pay for.

Sex 2k2: Goth Sex, also on MTV and figurng I'll just stick with the vanilla.

Who shall wn this contest. If either one does, then I wn, and that's the important thng.

I am...n need of some changes, and leavng a job seemed the perfect time to try somethng new.

I've lost touch with certan parts of myself. I earn (or earned) twice what I did a few years ago n San Francisco, but am not havng half as much fun. I was poor as a church mouse back then, but my life was rich n adventures and experiences. I miss that spontaneous, brave, bright, connected girl that I was. I want her back.

On Friday, I partied with a friend n the Bronx. We ended up n Harlem the next day and I let an ntrigung woman talk me nto gettng my hair braided.

elj_red_cornrows_041402 (14k image)

I didn't want the extensions, cultural genocide and all that, but she said my hair was too short otherwise. It remnds me of when I was little and used to do a Cher impression. I can't keep my hands off of it. I've been wearng make up sporadically recently, remember how fun it was to play dress up -- not to impress a man, but to try on a different persona. I feel conspicuous, like I'm n disguise.

. . .

I thnk I saw my job listed on Monster today:

SALARY TO $45,000.

Of course, they don't mention the other employees chewng you out constantly because you don't know where the HR Director is, who you don't work for. Or the jackhammerng 10 feet from your desk. Or how you'll be nterrupted everytime anyone needs anythng, even though you're supposed to support a high-level executive who works 16 hours a day. All I can say is, I haven't been chewed out for over a week and it feels greeeeeeeeeeeat! (And no, I didn't make that much.)

. . .

I am...havng a social life and even datng, much to my surprise. Now that I'm not completely exhausted and misanthropic at the end of every work day, I have seen more of my friends n one week than I did the last 6 months. I miss Blanepear and a couple of other coworkers who realized how hard I worked and who didn't treat me like dirt, but that's about it.

A mutual friend at work told me I can't expect him to be psychic and know how I feel about him. I hadn't thought of it that way, that he would have any doubt about my feelngs. After all, I'm always the one to call, or to ask him to lunch, and I kept askng him to do thngs after work, but he would not. I discovered from a mutual friend that he had asked her if he could relax with me outside of work, or was I just a spy for Big Bossman. I figured he'd know where my loyalties lay.

Anyway, while I never came out and said I wanted to date him, due to the work conflict, short of tattoong it to my forehead, it was very obvious. I asked him for lunch a few times a week. I asked him to do thngs after work. Everyone else got one postcard from New Orleans, Blanepear received two. I bought a few people gifts; he received two (though he paid me for the chicken foot necklace).

I keep havng doubts, but this mutual friend keeps sayng we should be together -- both smart, shy, sweet people. But then he will turn me down when I ask him to do somethng and I get discouraged. She is more determned than I am, however. It seems to me that if he wants this, he could make a move at some pont, or could contact me sometime n the week snce I was fired. The more I put the pieces together, I don't thnk I was wrong, but I'll be damned if I'm gong to put up with another nsecure Blanepear who waits to tell me how he feels until 10 years or 3,000 miles later. Life is too fuckng short.

On Monday night I went on my first date n about a million years. It's crazy, because I get asked out all the time, but generally by men who talk to me like I have an IQ of 50 (which they generally do), or who expect me to drop my pants on command. I told someone recently that I'd rather masturbate than take any shit.

Confession time...I wasn't lookng for anyone, but this whole Blanepear thng has awakened the sleepng giant that is my libido. I am completely preoccupied with sex! So I put a personals ad on Nerve. Truth be told, I didn't expect any men to respond, snce most of my so-called matches want a 6'0" woman who weighs 130 pounds or less. I thought, at the least, I'd make some friends, snce most of my coworkers assumed I was a spy for the Big Boss and thus avoided me like I had scabies.

Anyway, one was persistent -- emailng and chattng everyday. He seemed to get and even share, my sense of humor and he really likes my writng, my sites (yep, he'll be readng this) and my mnd. He's this very tall, teddy bearish, charmng, funny, Greek geek -- a really nterestng combnation of traits, I must say.

We spent most of Monday night givng each other a hard time, n the most playful way. I usually fnd dates excruciatngly tedious, but it was a lot of fun. It's generally a matter of whether or not we can talk, which, thankfully, we could!

I could not have been more surprised. It was so refreshng, after all these months of uncertanty, to be with someone who was really nto me, on whatever level. I'm used to beng alone, so I generally choose that over a big hassle. It was also wonderful to be with a man who was confident and certan of what he wanted without beng a fuckng boorish jerk about it.

If for no other reason, I'm glad that it's openng my mnd to other possibilities. I needed that. I tend to have tunnel vision n all aspects of my life. So, we'll see how thngs go on date #2 Saturday night. After all, I just wanna have fun.

[Next entry: "Shut Out, Shut In"]
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