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I am...a New Yorker
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[Previous entry: "Blamng it on Bourbon Street"]

Tuesday, April 9, 2002
Afraid, too
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Photographng...
Central Park n black and white.

Eatng...
Seafood and corn chowder from the Soup Nazi's stand. Can you believe I forgot to step aside? I thought he was gong to have a stroke.

Wearng...
A low-cut yellow blouse and starng at my own boobs.

Rememberng...
Past lives and amazed at how they resonate.

Needng...
A friend today and not fndng one.

Satisfyng...
Cookng where I house sit. It's somethng I really miss snce I haven't had my own place n nearly 4 years. It's the one area n which my creativity isn't stifled at the moment.

Sightng...
Kevn Bacon on 57th and Eighth.

Irritatng...
Beng distracted -- I have so much I need to be dong.

Cryng...
In front of that AOL/Time Warner eyesore n Columbus Circle.

Thnkng...
What did I do n a past life to deserve not beng loved, from day one, n this one?

It's gettng really old at this pont. Couldn't I at least have come from a good family, if I have to spend the rest of my life alone?

Prayng...
For Nola's safe arrival.

I am...unable to take my eyes off of you, but you won't look at me for more than a second. Except when you don't thnk I'm lookng. I catch you sometimes.

I want to skip forward to the good part. I want to break down this wall of fear and hesitation. I can't wait to see us blossom n lust, love and creativity. But maybe I'm the only one who's blocked.

I wasn't lookng for this. The last thng I need is to get hurt. Agan. Addng to the endless chan of rejection and hurt. Nothng else n my life is workng and I thought maybe this was somethng good to give me hope. Instead, it's just one more thng to kick me down. I've survived far worse. I need to remember that.

It's just that I get sick of merely survivng, of makng do, of creatng miracles out of nothng, of havng no one to share the adventures with.

I'm all about connectng. It's no good to take friends' advice to look for other people. I wasn't lookng for you. I am not the knd of person who expects to date or marry. I don't thnk someday I'll meet a nice guy and everythng will fall nto place. I just trip through life and try to make the best of thngs.

However, when I meet someone I can talk with, who seems to understand that writer and crabby, creative person n me, then I'm ecstatic, precisely because it is so rare. I cannot imagne beng so rich n friendships that you can just take that for granted.

I hope you realize how lucky you are, then, because for me, it only happens every so often and I want to grab hold of it and look at it from every angle. I want to shout it from the rooftops and give my thanks to the universe.

I'm not sayng that it's easy. Do you know how hard it is for me to ask you every time? Keep the faith? You're fne once we're alone, but gettng you there is like pullng teeth. What are you so afraid of? I would never hurt you. We've been blessed, I can't help but appreciate it.

You have a choice now -- be thankful or keep complanng you've no friends while you shut everyone out. There's a pont at which the nsecurity is too much and even I cannot reassure you. I only have so much patience.

Recently you told me that no one could ever mug me, because I am so tough. How can you not see how vulnerable I am? I'm sick of always havng to be so strong and tough, to make it through everythng alone.

Today I broke down and wept on Broadway because the one person who I thought would understand turned away and left me standng there. I felt like a fool for beng open, yet still wishng that, for once, someone would give me that same chance.

Even a strong woman needs someone to lean on once n a while; more so n these uncertan times.

[Next entry: "Unemployed"]
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Replies: 1 Comment

Dear you,
Thanks. Though miles away and unaware of my existence, thank you for beng there. And for givng me somethng with which to relate. I know now that I am not alone, but why then...does it feel so much like I am?

Posted by Jessica @ 04/09/2002 09:51 PM EST

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