I am...a New Yorker

[Previous entry: "Limerant"]

Monday, December 30, 2002
Deferring a Dream, Again

The sidebar wonders how one can be an intellectual and yet know so little about how the world works. It's a mystery, inside a riddle, wrapped in an enigma.

I am...not going to NYU this Spring.

My past screw ups and debts continue to haunt me as I find ways to make even less money, year after year. It's frustrating. It's sad. I could do great things with this mind, or so I'm told, but it's more of an impediment than a ticket out.

Plan B was to move back to San Francisco to finish my degree at SF State. I haven't ruled that out yet. I'd be moving back there almost 8 years to the day of when I first moved there. But I don't like to go backward, even if part of me wants to go because if feels like home.

Plan C is to pull it completely out of my ass, which isn't at all out of character for me. I could petition to have Cal State Disneyland reopen my graduation check, accept two transferred courses from a NY school and have my BA, only 10 years late. Jesus, a decade of my life down the shitter.

I could apply for grad school for Fall of 2004, so I'd still lose another year. But at least I'd be on the road. I haven't really been focused on graduate programs, because I need to get into more breadth before the single-minded depth of grad school. Perhaps some of the West Coast schools allow students to begin programs in the Spring, I think NYU does.

All I know is that my brain is starving and as long as I am in a day job, playing the mindless automaton, I will wonder what might have been. I don't know how people stay at jobs they hate. My one friendly coworker has been here for 10 years and she is only a few years older than me. I don't think any amount of Prozac could make me think that answering someone else's phone is a worthwhile endeavor.

Getting by and just getting by is getting rather old.

Maybe I have to just admit New York kicked my ass. Maybe I need to just say "uncle."

[Next entry: "Communing With the Majority"]
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