I am...a New Yorker

[Previous entry: "Reminded of Me"]

Thursday, June 13, 2002
The Cheese

American Idol -- it's Survivor with singing. I've often wondered if I can sing and I honestly don't know if I have a good voice. It is one of those things I can't feel bad while doing -- no matter how sad the song.

Gia and incredulous at her girlfriend Linda choosing a grown man who calls himself "Billy" over hot ass Gia. I can relate -- truth, love, passion, and challenge are difficult while status quo makes it easier to sleepwalk through life.

"You can't do that! You can't take someone's knife when they need it!"

Love is like a barren place
Reaching out for human faith is --
Is like a journey I don't have a map for.

from "To The Moon & Back "
-Savage Garden


Granting cohabitating couples the privileges of marriages hasn't so much destroyed the institution of marriage as it has the American Dream of individuality, and conquering new frontiers.

I am...standing alone. I've been told by people who haven't been alone since I met them that they understood, that they were alone, too. Only we must be using different dictionaries, because when they hang up, their wife or boyfriend is there.

Alone is the one, unyielding truth. I think that's my lesson to learn in this life.

It's funny that my past life reading was on my mind last night, because the thing that didn't come up in any of them, that I forgot to ask about, that I went back to ask about when I was distracted by Cute Tim -- was the soul mate question.

I had the reading because I was in New Orleans and that place is about soul-searching for me. I went in with the idea that it was for novelty purposes, and that if anything interesting came out of it, that was a bonus. I thought it could very well be a scam, like psychics who tell you that you're coming into money or true love if you just let them burn some $100, 6-foot tall candles from the Holy Land and pray for you.

What's extraordinary is how well all three lives resonated. I talked about the man in China 1,500 years ago. The epiphany, the drive to tell the people the truth with a capital T, the unusual path in life, the spiritual journey, and sending the message through creative means -- it could not have clicked more.

The other two lives resonated as well. The second was a woman in the Rift Valley in Africa. At the age of 10, she was the sole survivor of some cataclysmic event in her village. Pardon if I slip between saying "she" and "I." She/I wandered around, surviving on what food I could forage.

Eventually, I found another village to take me in. Even after having my own children, I adopted 20 more. I took in every child who needed a home, because I/she never forgot what it was like to be an orphan. In this current life, I had two parents together, for better and mostly worse and a huge extended family, but I felt alone since I can remember.

The third life the reader picked up on was a man in Africa with a boat. I sailed up and down the river, transporting people, goods, and sometimes mail. I never married, but I had families with 3 women on different parts of the river. He/I felt it was important to take in and remember all the places he saw in his travels. Mental images. Photographs.

All three lives were lived on and near water, major rivers. In this one, I must always be near water -- I never even consider most of the states inbetween, even though I come from one.

Each life had some central mission, some transcendant ideal. There were marriages in two of the three, but they were mentioned only as afterthoughts. The difference in this life is that's precisely how I feel -- like a footnote in everyone's life, but never a whole chapter.

. . .

Fang told me last week that she got married. Months ago. She didn't tell me, because she knew I'd want to be there. So I guess I'm the woman no one can tell they got married. My friends Janet and Ken told me for months they were thinking about it, but didn't tell me until months when they finally did it, although we spent nearly every weekend together prior to that.

My own parents finally got married when I was 23 and didn't tell me for months, even when I saw them over the holidays.

It's not that I have contempt for other people coupling up, as long as they aren't stupid about it. It's just not something that's part of my life. The only true insanity is convincing myself otherwise in a misguided effort to be like everyone else.

[Next entry: "What I Yam"]
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