I am...a New Yorker

[Previous entry: "So. Very. Sore."]

Sunday, May 26, 2002
Already Torn

Illusion never changed
Into somethng real

I am...vacillatng between two choices that really don't seem much like choices at all. There is apparent rejection behnd Door Number One and possible manipulation behnd Door Number Two.

I don't know why I'm still bellyachng about all of this. Like there aren't other equally fucked up areas of my life that I could be worried about.

But this one really plagues me. I know my credit is fucked up because I did it. I know I don't have a degree, because I quit school to work to pay off my debt. But I can't figure out why this basic area of human expression has been closed to me. I watch as all the men who have rejected me get married and have children with plan, stupid, lazy and even downright evil women. All of those are better choices than me, apparently. What knd of fucked up world is that?

A woman n my residence told me this weekend that I have low self esteem, because I was so sad about this. I'm so sick of the way people fall back on the concept of low self esteem when they don't know what else to say. I thnk I'm a great person, despite my mistakes and faults -- that's why it's so frustratng to always be alone n the end. There's this huge, fundamental area of human experience I'm entirely missng out on; there is a massive area n which I cannot express myself; this significant portion of my experience and personality is unexplored. Sometimes I thnk it's why I can't write.

What I miss most of all right now is the conversations with Blanepear. With a mnd like mne, not just any conversational partner will do. I don't mean to be so particular. I didn't have that for a long time and once I did, I became spoiled and accustomed to it far more than I realized.

Now that I don't have it, I am like a crazed junkie. I fill the days with lesser conversation, but no matter how many hours of that I eek out, it doesn't give me the fix a half hour walk and talk did. It seems I'm the only one who feels they've lost somethng.

. . .

I am...a bundle of personality disorders, apparently:
Disorder: Ratng
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderlne: Very High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Honestly, I thought I'd be highest n the Histrionic category, but perhaps my histrionic bent led me to answer certan questions like a paranoid, borderlne schizoid. Care to take the test?

[Next entry: "Unequivocal"]
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