I am...a New Yorker

[Previous entry: "Very Nearly Burnng Dnner"]

Friday, May 3, 2002
Not Missn' You at All

Bizarre Japanese cookng and gameshow DVDs copied onto VHS tapes. Just n time, too, as I was runnng out of blank tapes.

My Big, Fat, Greek Weddng, which was hilarious and fully of regular-lookng people. Well, except for John Corbett, but he was a nice bonus.

Friends and I partied at a beach house, dropped acid, then awoke to discover we were n my ex-boss' beach house. I don't know where this stuff comes from. He always promised I could use his beach house, but I figured it was a lie -- like everythng else.

Snce I've never dropped acid n wakng life, n the dream I just fell asleep and started seeng purdy colors.

If they really wanted to protect Luke Skywalker's identity from Darth Vader, shouldn't they have changed his last name? If the genius responsible for that, Obi-Wan Kenobi, was Leia's only hope, she was n deeper shit than she realized.

I am...John Waite n that video that you're probably too young to remember.

That's me -- sittng n my lonely room, missng you but protestng too much to the contrary. I stopped callng last week, or was it the week before. It broke my heart to hear the discomfort n your voice.

I wish I knew what happened. Sure, I had my romantic designs, but I tried not to burden you with them. It never occured to me that our friendship would not contnue once I was gone from that place. If anythng, I thought you could fnally see the real me -- rather than the role I tried so hard to play n suits, hosiery and uncomfortable shoes. I was sure that so much more bound us than a buildng and jobs we hate.

Do you meet people you can talk to like that everyday? I certanly don't and I don't know how you can take that for granted. I'm astounded and heartbroken. I didn't have any friendships to spare and so losng you and D is an unexpected and unhappy side effect of my dismissal. That only two people I didn't know very well have not been too afraid to return my phone calls and emails only confirms that I was right to leave that unhappy place.

Don't get me wrong. I'm relieved to be out of there, and happy with where I'm gong. I didn't know it was a choice between my sanity and our friendship.

I miss our conversations, those walks n the park, makng you laugh, makng each other thnk. What happened to that beautiful soul I felt so connected to and free with?

D always remnded me to thnk of what you were gong through. But who knows better than me what it's like to move nto your first apartment at the age of 24, n a less-than-desireable neighborhood and feel overwhelmed with the changes and challenges? I wanted to be there for you, but you only let me n so far.

Why does beng open to the possibility leave me hurt? I suspect I would get further if I'd treated you like dirt. I guess it's just as well then, because all I ever wanted to do was open myself up for once n my life and love you.

I'm afraid I'm too vulnerable and easily taken advantage of after you. Yet, I'm afraid I'm so closed and distant that I'll miss out on someone wonderful. I'm afraid I don't know which way is up, just now.

[Next entry: "Cursng the Vultures"]
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