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I am...a New Yorker
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[Previous entry: "The One"]

Wednesday, February 20, 2002
Busted
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Photographng...
Central Park. Check out the desktops.

Eatng...
Pork chops and applesauce. OK, no applesauce, but I have to write that, because I hear Peter Brady n my head sayng it. At least it's not somethng out of Lileks' Gallery of Regrettable Food.

Wearng...
The white dress and my "I'm not a Muslim" beanie over the weekend. Red, satn nightgown on Sunday night (*ahem*), and back to work clothes today.

Sngng...
There is no song on my lips these days.

Satisfyng...
Not my old philosophy of "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

I've outgrown it recently, it seems.

Missng...
You and you are right there, but hidden away somewhere I cannot reach and don't dare.

Seeng...
So many beautiful people on the streets of New York.

Carlos Leone pickng up Lourdes (Madonna's daughter); paparazzi waitng out all day for Madonna and then missng her as she sped away.

Watchng...
The watchers from the shadows.

Irritatng...
Your mood changes -- I can't keep up with them.

Suckng...
"That big, black dick" -- he knew I'd have to quote him on that.

Realizng...
Even if thngs go the way I'd hoped, you're gong to be difficult.

Talkng...
To psychics, of all thngs, tryng to figure it all out.

I am...caught, agan. Not only did a coworker see me n Central Park n the nfamous and revealng white dress, but another coworker found all the other sites. He came up to me this mornng and said, jovially, "YOU! Are a crazy person!"

Then he said somethng about why my favorite color is red. Alarm bells went off n my head. I vaguely remembered sayng somethng about blood beng red and realized, "Holy fuck! He's found Bleed!" At Zomba, I was beggng people to read my stuff and no one did. Careful what you wish for.

I thnk I don't quite get that it's all out there for anyone to see. I get feedback so sporatically, and mostly from those masturbatng to Bleed, that I thnk often I'm the only one who reads all these words I send out nto the ether. That has been a persistent motif these past few weeks. Just on Saturday, an ex's wife hung up on me. I only then remembered I'd talked n the journal about how she's not the sharpest tool n the shed, though I don't thnk I mentioned her by name.

. . .

I am...tired of playng this game with you. I always have my doubts and thnk it's because I'm a freak and then comes more weirdness and I realize I'm not the only one with some issues.

If you're not on the same plane, that's fne, back away and stay away. But this back and forth dance? It's passe and feels manipulative. Maybe I'm off base, it happens. It's not the end of the world, of course. I was happy just masturbatng, so back to me I go. Nobody does it better.

. . .

I met this yummy, literary, Greek god at the next table at a cafe after my walk through the park over the weekend. He said he goes there a lot to write. I'm a sucker for brany boys who write.

. . .

The haiku contnues to grow. It's alarmng how the names add up. It's fun and nterestng to remnisce. I'm glad I tried a little bit of everythng durng my '20s. That's what they're for, I suppose. At 30, I am still an optimist about thngs workng out, but I've noticed this Wizard of Oz "home has been there all along" feelng I've developed n recent months. I listened to friends who said I complaned that no one asked me out, so I should not complan when the wrong people asked me out and I should go out with them. While nterestng, that proved, as I knew it would, utterly fruitless.

I have so many projects and ideas, it's so hard to keep myself focussed. I've been talkng about workng on my portfolio for weeks and haven't done anythng. Then there's the photo/journal of the 2000 trip. I can't believe it's been almost two years and it's not done yet!

. . .

In other good news, I was nvited to show some of my photographs n one of the display cases at work. I had my black and white album from the trip with me, so I could fnish mountng them. I got to talkng with someone n the Arts department and they mentioned they would like to display the work of students and staff n the cases and n the department. So I need to figure out what size prnts to make and how much to charge for them should anyone wish to buy some prnts.

It feels like thngs are fallng nto place. This is shapng up to be a good year.

[Next entry: "Too Proud to Beg"]
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